Realizations

For most people it takes something drastic, a tragedy, to make them realize that life is fleeting and that there is no time to waste wishing and hoping for our dreams to come true. I've had my share of tragedy. You have to make it happen for yourself. For most of my life I was the girl sitting in a corner, eyes staring at the sky, daydreaming about what my future would turn out to be. Visualization is very important but it has to go further than that. I was always too afraid to pursue my dreams because failure, to me, was far worse than not trying. I have finally come to the point where I've had enough with my excuses not to go ahead and make shit happen!
Ever since I can remember, I've dreamt of being an actress and a singer/songwriter. I am AWARE that a lot of people have the same dream. I am also aware that it's REALLY hard to make it, but can you tell me why in the WORLD I would pick a job that's easy to do/get that I DON'T want to do? Financial security? Don't worry about me I'll be fine. I can have a normal job as I pursue my dreams and if all else fails, I can finish school and get another good job. Any who, I am straying from my main topic, I have SUCH a deep passion for acting, singing and writing that I cannot picture myself doing ANYTHING ELSE. As a little girl, I would write songs and perform in front of my family, I'd make plays and always be the lead role. I remember watching the little mermaid over and over just to remember the words and act it out. It's just always been part of me, not for the fame and fortune but just for the rush I felt whenever I would play another character. It utterly terrifies me but it's also the most liberating feeling, to just be someone else. It's a totally different kind of terrifying when I write songs or when I perform in front of people. So far, I can count on one hand the amount of people who heard songs that I wrote, because the thought of them knowing exactly how I feel and judging me scares the SHIT out of me! It makes me feel completely naked & it usually takes me a couple drinks for either to happen! I just finished reading this article about a certain actor who said that he considers himself as very shy but people around him don't see it and he realized that like really obviously good looking people who use to be chubby, they still see themselves, as the way they were when they were younger. It makes a lot of sense, because whenever I tell people I'm shy, they look at me like they don't know what I'm talking about since I'm very sociable and out spoken, but the little girl in me is still there and she blushes easily, hates public speaking & just wants people to accept her for who she is. I just came back from California, I finally went to Disney Land after 23 years of waiting. I loved it! It only confirmed how much I want to act. How else will I be able to play and be in different worlds without either going to Disney every single day or acting?! Exactly! I bought 2 books for myself. One is called the Power of the Actor. I started reading it in Vancouver but had to fly back home and it wasn't mine. It was a great book. The other one is called Auditioning an actor friendly guide. The woman who wrote it was an actress AND a casting agent, so she knows the two sides of the auditioning process, which is a HUGE PLUS!! The major reason why I never truly pursued acting was because of the audition. Just the thought of having people watching me and me having to give it my all without actually having someone to act WITH, made me want to vomit. Whenever I see people auditioning in movies or on shows, I get SO nervous for them. My favorite part of watching movies is to watch the behind the scenes, I love seeing how they shot some scenes and why they picked the actors etc. I picture myself as the lead girl and the director talking about me. I was just watching Rachel McAdams' screen test and I felt SO nervous for her, I wanted her to nail it you know? and of course she did since she is in the notebook, but I was putting myself in her shoes and just imagining how I would have done it and if I would have been able to let all my emotions come out like she did. It was very intense, but it also clarified why I deserve to let myself do this. This is my true love, it's real, and I should not give up on it, this one is for life, for better or for worse!

Now watch me GO!