No strings attached...

When losing someone that you love, through a break up, what can a single 20 smthg year old woman do if she finds herself in need of some affection or "winding down"? One night stands, friends with benefits? It might work, unless you are not over your ex. After speaking to a few single gals I have had a unanimous answer, every time they gave themselves to guys they didn't really care for post-break up, they'd end up in tears. So how do you know you are really over someone, or can you ever really get over someone who has had such a strong impact on your life? It suddenly dawned on me, I have been single for a little over a year now but have had huge problems letting myself enjoy fully any sort of connection with the male gender ever since. It seems like part of me shut off on the "emotional availability" side. I am aware that I am not the only one in this situation, which is a good thing in a way but on the other hand it means thats it's an issue for a lot of girls my age & I would like to resolve it. What are we suppose to do? Should we listen to Likke li : "and for you I keep my legs apart and forget about my tainted heart"? Or Is celibacy still an option these days? I got to thinking, if Guys can have sex without feelings but when girls sleep with guys they don't care about, emotions from the past resurface, does it take falling in love to keep our exes out of our beds?

I'm a survivor!

15 days since I first arrived to London & I am EXHAUSTED! I have officially became a mum. I wake up at stupid o' clock because I have to feed breakfast to the kids, I change their nappies , get them dressed, play with them, watch kids shows, stroll them around, put them in their car seats, hold them when they cry, pick up after them, make and give them their milk, put them to bed and the next day it starts all over. I have a huge respect for mothers & have now realized that being a stay at home job is definitely not for "lazy women" it is the HARDEST job there is. I don't care if you are a mechanic, a rocket scientist, a heart surgeon or wtv else. Being a full time mom of more than one child is hell & bliss all at once but there is definitely more hell to it. I am not saying I hate it here because I don't. Liam is getting use to me, I can carry him without him trying to commit suicide because he sees me. He actually cries if I don't hold him sometimes. Emma plays with me and randomly hugs me. My new name is Milia now since she cant say Camelia. It's the cutest thing, before going to bed she says : Night night Milia! in her british accent with her thumb in her mouth. <3 As you can see, there are tons of good things but Jeez!!! I can't do anything after a day working. I just pass out, all the time!!! Which is exactly what Im going to do right now. Its almost 1 am and I have to wake up at 7:30 am tomorrow (It's my late day, usually I wake up at 6:30 am). Here are a few pictures of my two little monsters & bluebell, the cat.

Emma Macnamara

Maybe if I don't move, that crazy Bitch will go away.

Liam a.k.a Maggot man!

18 year old BlueBell

People definitely DON'T mistake him as my child when we go out!

Mister Man!!

Crying Lightning

I arrived in London tuesday morning after a 6 and a half hour over night flight from Toronto. Things didn't start off very well since they lost my guitar. What a bummer!
I was greeted by Andrea, she had a paper with CAMELIA written on it. It was very sweet. It felt like things were turning around. She was very friendly, it felt like we knew each other already. We had skyped twice and spoke over the phone a couple times but our previous communication mostly consisted of emails which is why it surprised me that we both felt so comfortable with each other right away. When I arrived at the house Mark (the husband) and Liam were already outside welcoming me into their home. Its a little scary to think that's it, I have a responsibility towards that family now, I can't flake. this is for real. They are counting on me, and taking me into their home, trusting me with their children, I can't disappoint them...
Annndddddd I already disappointed them. This is a recurrent problem with me people seem to think I'm not motivated or enthusiastic enough about things. I think I just have a hard time showing my enthusiasm or I can't fake how I feel. As much as I love taking care of kids, being jet lagged and exhausted took over. I really think they should forgive how not on the ball I was for my first 4 days here. I DID cross the Atlantic after all. It's not like this job was in Laval instead of Montreal, it's in London England!! A country I have never been to before. Where I don't know a soul & miss my family & friends.
On a different note, I went for drinks tonight (saturday the 14th) with a friend of a friend I had on facebook for 2 years but never spoke to until a few weeks before I moved. I am glad we really got along & it was fun. we bar hopped a little bit & I got to see 2 guys fall flat on their backs in the middle of the street and piss themselves without being able to get up from how shitfaced they were. It was pretty intense! I also made a discovery I will post in my next entry because I absolutely NEED to attach a picture with it. I was speechless. The cab driver thought I was crazy & asked me why I was taking a picture of a certain something. Unfortunately my bluetooth doesnt work here and I dont have a usb cable for my phone so it's impossible for me to post it. But I'll ask Amity (my new friend) to take a picture tomorrow when we go to Camdon. It's the funky/music area of london sort of like Kensington market. I CAN'T WAIT!!

nighty night everyone. It is 5:50 am here.

I miss you very much
xoxo

p.s: my guitar was delivered to the neighbors house the same day while we were out shopping. thank GOD!

Arrived safely in London thanks to pilot Yves Saint laurent.

They say it changes when the sun goes down

This summer, my friend Neil and I were just hanging out in his apartment at Playa Vista/Santa Monica & we decided to record ourselves covering When the sun goes down by the Arctic Monkeys.
I fuck up some lyrics, he messes up a couple chords, we start laughing but this is just organic awesomeness so I thought I'd share it with you.

http://therespectproject.com/uploads/CamNeilWhenTheSunGoesDown.wma

to be able to listen to it you need Windows Media Player.

Enjoy!

List of Pet Peeves #1

This is the list of my 10 worse pet peeves in order from the most annoying to the a bit less annoying. If you realize you are doing any of those things, please don't ask me if I noticed because I did and didn't want to be rude enough to lose my shit on you.

1. Ppl touching the food on my plate. Just assuming they can taste. I DO NOT SHARE FOOD!!!!!!!! You WILL get stabbed with a fork in your hand.
2. Ppl who make noise when they eat/eat with their mouth open!!!!!!!!
3. Ppl who interrupt others while they are talking.
4. Ppl who have a know it all attitude & respond condescendingly.
5. Ppl who have God complexes/attention whores.
6. Ppl who whine asking for advice then don't listen & keep on whining for having no solution.
7. Ppl who mention names of ppl you don't know when telling you a story you don't care about, assuming it means something to you or helps you understand.
8. Ppl who are way too conventional, goodie 2 shoes, too religious, who cant live w/ rules
9. "Friends" who go after a person you like, are dating or dated & doesn't care that it hurts.
10. "Friends" who think they can shotgun someone that you saw at the same time.

More pet peeves posts to come.

Perspective

Being a 20 something year old in the city has its perks, you get to party as often as you want without it really affecting the way you look the next day; post coffee, hang over food & a nice warm shower. You can eat junk at 3:30 in the morning and burn it the next day. You don’t have that many responsibilities besides rent & food. Meaning no family tying you down and stopping you from doing whatever it is you want to do, no 9 to 5 career that has taken over your life & no more parents grounding you or having control over what you do. Although they will always ”have a say” since it’s written somewhere in the books of parent’s right. Being a 20 something year old can be pretty damn good.

On the other hand, in your 20s, that’s when you try to “find” yourself, realize what it is you want to do as a career/9-5 for most people. It’s also the time when people get into serious relationships, with the idea in mind that that person might be the one they will end up with. As a woman who has had 2 serious relationships (between 18 and 22), I know that most of the time, when you get into a relationship it’s because you think, at least a little, that the person you are with might be the one, whatever that means. All I’m saying is that as the years pass, when you are in your 20s, the possibility of your partner becoming your husband or wife increases since people don’t want to get into relationships they don’t think are “worth it” anymore. The 20s are your last time “for fun”, being reckless, therefore, instead of dating wildly inappropriately, people stay single until they find someone they are willing to marry. Which is why getting out of a serious relationship is especially hard right now. You thought that person was going to be the one you would marry. That guy you dreamt of as a little girl. You already pictured yourself walking down the aisle with him looking at you. He had the biggest smile on his face, because he thought he was the luckiest man on earth for getting to spend the rest of his life with you.

But the smile disappears and that feeling fades away. It’s back to square one and the members of the opposite sex seem to be crazier than before . You are back in the dating jungle & all those wild animals don’t want to be tamed, neither do you want to tame them. It feels like you are part of a freak show and circuses have never been your forte. That’s when it can take an unexpected turn to casual sex land. It doesn’t even feel wrong anymore because finding “true love” is not in “your cards” and you settle for the momentary satisfaction of being in someone’s arms as they use you as a human receptacle for their bodily fluids. You are very cynical & whinny, therefore don’t attract good guys and are stuck in this vicious cycle of not believing that it is possible to find someone better than your ex because all you see are losers and don’t realize that you are the one bringing this on to yourself by the way you decide to react to life’s downs.

Instead of taking things as they come, you are stuck being angry at the past, and spend all your energy asking what if this and what if that. Get off from your high horses people. Life is what you make it. It seems to me like practically every day, I am told how lucky I am for doing all the things I do and for some things that happen to me. It’s not luck people, I just do whatever I can to get what I want. Once I set my mind on something, I don’t let go. That’s how things work. Each human being has to stop thinking that the more likely outcome is the negative one. That’s how society sets us up to think, or believe that it’s the most logical way of seeing things. The probability of one getting a positive answer vs a negative one is 50/50. If you refuse failure then it is even MORE likely that you will succeed. All you have to do is change your attitude, your outlook on life. When you look at something, depending on the angle you look at it from, where you stand, you will see something completely different. Remember that, change your perspective.

Life is fleeting

On September 7th 2009 I lost my dear grand father to a pneumonia. He was completely fine and in two weeks he just started to look more and more like a corpse & his body shut off, day by day until it took him away.
Today, one of my best friend's step father's body was found in the St-laurent river after being missing since friday sept. 11 afternoon, the day after my grand father's burial.I feel like I'm floating in this completely FUCKED UP WORLD where it can all go to shits in an instant. I'm not even depressed or pessimistic, I still believe that life has an incredible amount of great things in store for me. I just wonder when it's all going to turn around. I'm aware that I have to make things happen for myself but with all these events, it's just quite hard to focus on other things. I just wish I could stop losing people I love, at least for a little while.

:S

To be or not to be

I am so into my book The Power of the Actor! It gives amazing tips, ways to get into a character, to understand why he is responding a certain way. It's giving me confidence that I can do it, it makes me really happy! :)
I have joined this website called helpx.net where I c an see profile of families asking for help either at home, at their farms, B&Bs etc. I checked out england, ireland scotland and australia. Not sure where Ill end up, it depends on the families I guess. It's going to be insane! Anyone who wants to come with me, please grow the balls and do it. most of these places ask for more than one person. They give you a room and food everyday, some also pay. so if you have money for the flight, just pack up and LEAVE WITH ME! It's going to be a sick opportunity and girls, C'mon! british boys with sexy accents? Damn, how can you resist? Im going there to find my faithful Jude Law. Boys, there are going to be tons of girls loving your foreign accent, you know you want to be that guy. The one who is only staying there for a while so girls fall in love since its impossible and he gets laid repeatedly.

Anyway, just a thought, Im doing it, I just like the possibility of inspiring people

take care kiddies

Cam
xoxo

Dilemma Dilemma

For months now I said that I would move to New York in september. It is still possible, but for some reason my mind is wandering round and thinking that I might want to go somewhere else first. I thought maybe a few months in europe would be cool. U.K men might just be what I need haha, I won`t need to dream of Jude Law or Alex turner anymore! Then New York pops in my head again, but soon enough L.A comes creeping in and Toronto is just always so much fun-I already have a good crew here. Australia has always been my dream so why not?

As you can see, I need help, directions, because pretty soon, it`ll be me- a hat- a beer- all those countries(or cities) in the hat-a witness- a blink 182 song and THAT IS IT!

God, please help me make the best decision for me and what I am looking for ok?

Oh also God, If you could throw in a couple amazing sexy time sessions in the near future, much appreciated!

Thanks!

Realizations

For most people it takes something drastic, a tragedy, to make them realize that life is fleeting and that there is no time to waste wishing and hoping for our dreams to come true. I've had my share of tragedy. You have to make it happen for yourself. For most of my life I was the girl sitting in a corner, eyes staring at the sky, daydreaming about what my future would turn out to be. Visualization is very important but it has to go further than that. I was always too afraid to pursue my dreams because failure, to me, was far worse than not trying. I have finally come to the point where I've had enough with my excuses not to go ahead and make shit happen!
Ever since I can remember, I've dreamt of being an actress and a singer/songwriter. I am AWARE that a lot of people have the same dream. I am also aware that it's REALLY hard to make it, but can you tell me why in the WORLD I would pick a job that's easy to do/get that I DON'T want to do? Financial security? Don't worry about me I'll be fine. I can have a normal job as I pursue my dreams and if all else fails, I can finish school and get another good job. Any who, I am straying from my main topic, I have SUCH a deep passion for acting, singing and writing that I cannot picture myself doing ANYTHING ELSE. As a little girl, I would write songs and perform in front of my family, I'd make plays and always be the lead role. I remember watching the little mermaid over and over just to remember the words and act it out. It's just always been part of me, not for the fame and fortune but just for the rush I felt whenever I would play another character. It utterly terrifies me but it's also the most liberating feeling, to just be someone else. It's a totally different kind of terrifying when I write songs or when I perform in front of people. So far, I can count on one hand the amount of people who heard songs that I wrote, because the thought of them knowing exactly how I feel and judging me scares the SHIT out of me! It makes me feel completely naked & it usually takes me a couple drinks for either to happen! I just finished reading this article about a certain actor who said that he considers himself as very shy but people around him don't see it and he realized that like really obviously good looking people who use to be chubby, they still see themselves, as the way they were when they were younger. It makes a lot of sense, because whenever I tell people I'm shy, they look at me like they don't know what I'm talking about since I'm very sociable and out spoken, but the little girl in me is still there and she blushes easily, hates public speaking & just wants people to accept her for who she is. I just came back from California, I finally went to Disney Land after 23 years of waiting. I loved it! It only confirmed how much I want to act. How else will I be able to play and be in different worlds without either going to Disney every single day or acting?! Exactly! I bought 2 books for myself. One is called the Power of the Actor. I started reading it in Vancouver but had to fly back home and it wasn't mine. It was a great book. The other one is called Auditioning an actor friendly guide. The woman who wrote it was an actress AND a casting agent, so she knows the two sides of the auditioning process, which is a HUGE PLUS!! The major reason why I never truly pursued acting was because of the audition. Just the thought of having people watching me and me having to give it my all without actually having someone to act WITH, made me want to vomit. Whenever I see people auditioning in movies or on shows, I get SO nervous for them. My favorite part of watching movies is to watch the behind the scenes, I love seeing how they shot some scenes and why they picked the actors etc. I picture myself as the lead girl and the director talking about me. I was just watching Rachel McAdams' screen test and I felt SO nervous for her, I wanted her to nail it you know? and of course she did since she is in the notebook, but I was putting myself in her shoes and just imagining how I would have done it and if I would have been able to let all my emotions come out like she did. It was very intense, but it also clarified why I deserve to let myself do this. This is my true love, it's real, and I should not give up on it, this one is for life, for better or for worse!

Now watch me GO!

BuzzLight Year!

Here is a sneak peek of my Disney Experience.

2 day break

Well Hello fellow bloggers!

                                                I'm finally back in Montreal, not for long though, I'm flying to L.A Wednesday afternoon! New York was interesting, I did a lot of cool things; went to the Met, different restaurants, BBQs, Parties, Birthdays, walked around a lot, Ate dinner at a restaurant by myself, Learnt how to read a map and use the Subway with no one's help,Stayed in Queens then Brooklyn, walked alone in central park, made good friends, realized that some of them were not as cool as I thought... All in all it was a good trip... It's been good, getting to know me more

             I really am everywhere this year, it's pretty cool. In ONE MONTH I went to:

Toronto, Ontario

Vancouver, British Coloumbia

George,Washington

New York city, New York

In less than 48 hours I will be able to add L.A to the list and somewhere in the next 3 weeks, Vegas as well :)

Los Angeles C'mon shake it baby!

16 days left...

It's gonna be CLASSIC!

Single & Fabulous!

Finally, a quiet night with nothing but my ideas. I missed the sound of silence, the calm of my room. It's been a hectic month and it's not about to slow down. My birthday is now only 2 days away. I'm turning 23. How dreadful right? Somehow I don't feel as mortified as I thought I would be. For me, 23 always meant the beginning of the end but things seem to be turning round. It's almost palpable & I cannot WAIT  for that moment. That single instant where I will know, that it is FINALLY happening, what I've ALWAYS  been waiting for.

I'm feeling very independent. Being a single 20 something year old girl can be tough but it is also very empowering to accomplish things on your own. I don't need a man ;)

I'm having the best time of my life, traveling, networking & finding ways to realize my dreams. A boyfriend would only slow me down

 

[Says the girl as she sighs & looks into the distance, she feels lonely]

I am celebrating my birthday this friday at Ros&lina with tons of my "closest" friends & then I will continue celebrating the day Camelia popped into this world and out of... (yes I have to at least be a LITTLE CRUDE) bar hopping on St-Laurent where a lot more of all my "closest" acquaintances will show up and buy me drinks/Champagne highly suggested! June 12 1986 will be acknowledged twice, this time, in New York City on June 18th in a huge club where my friend Eddie will be working. I can't wait to see the turn out!

 Next stop, 

                   City of Angels. I have been dying to meet you for years. The time has come for our paths to cross. This is going to change me, I know it. Stef & I have been dying to go together for 5 years now, the wait is over. 

   Road trip, 

                  Sin City. Just thinking of you turns my grin into a smile. I can't say much, other than WATCH OUT! I have a feeling something very close to "the hangover" will come out of it. I would not be surprised to be coming back with a green card if you know what I mean?

Life is good, life is good. It would be even greater if I could get 2 Blink 182 tickets for their show at the Molson Amphitheater on August 8th in Toronto (as a birthday present). Tickets go on sale today. I don't have a credit card so it's difficult for me to make the transaction. 

Here is hoping!

I am not dead

I just want y'all to know that I haven't blogged in a while since I've been traveling all over the place & now that I'm back home, my friend Emily from toronto is staying with me so I have no time. Maybe this weekend ill sit down and write a few of my crazy traveling stories!!!!

On this note I'll just mention that my travel list is way shorter now since I've been to: Toronto, Vancouver, drove through Seattle, Camped at the Gorge in George Washington, went back to vancouver for a couple days, then back to toronto for a few days. 

My birthday is coming up (in 10 days) still don't know what I want to do though. 

I'm also going to celebrate it in New York, which should be SICK!

Try to figure out what Im thinking about by just looking very carefully at this picture. I have just noticed myself something I never saw in it before and that completely describes me in 2 words!

Wow I love it!!

Things to do

• Get knee to bend to 115 degrees in the next 2 days so I can start going on the bike :)
• Plan my trip to Vegas
• Get more pain killers
• Fill out my Med application
• Soak up the sun so I don't look like a Ghost when I get to L.A
• Continue Learning Japanese
• Finish at least 4 songs and record them as an E.P
• Cough get laid Cough
• Bikini shopping
• Get a bag pack & choose carefully the clothes I will bring to Vancouver.
• Master the Pimp look with my cane.
• Cut my hair
  

Fun Fact, I will show you the way to carry food when you are on crutches.

It's amazing how one can find ways to get around 

when they are handicapped & have no one to help ;)

UNDEAD!

Last night was my sister's 20th birthday. We celebrated it by going to the Hollywood Undead concert at Le National. The evening started off with us pre-drinking absinth & beer in Stef's car right in front of the venue. The show was amazing! I had a seat on the second floor,that was smack dab in the front and center so I had a perfect view and wasn't getting punched in the face or sweated on like everybody in the mosh pit. I still stood for 98% of the show, holding on to a ramp while shouting the words, dancing on 1 leg and taking pictures of these sexy men.

 

They started their set with Undead, which you could say is their Anthem song. It's the perfect first track on an album & a GREAT opener. They took off their masks during the show but put them back in the end when they closed with No. 5
I agree with that choice as well. It left everybody so pumped!!

It's also probably why I spend the ridiculous amount of 55$ for a Hollywood Undead Hoodie.

Once the show was done, we waited around a little. I was the only one with the balls to approach them, so I went to talk to Deuce a.k.a Da Produca. He was really sweet, he thought I wanted an autograph so I let him sign my arm(he was going for my boobs. Don't know why I said no).

Finally, we went to Foufs, where my sister was falling asleep on her chair. Da Kurlzz kept on staring at us but even with my " I saw you looking, come here and talk to me" smile, he would always just look the other way until he thought I wasn't looking anymore and then would stare again. Too bad...

 I got strangers, members of H.U and from First to Last to sing happy birthday to my sister. YOU'RE WELCOME!

Funny man is such a nice guy! When he was crowd surfing, he hit a girl over the head with his feet. Usually people don't give a shit, but he was all concerned and asked her if she was okay. When I asked him to take a picture, not only was he delighted but he rubbed my back when asking what happened to my leg & wishing that I would get better soon. What a sweetheart. These boys put up a front with their masks and lyrics but 60% of the band members are the nicest people I have ever met.

Funny man pulling an ugly face with my sister and I.

A couple of guys from the tour & I talked for a while & it is now set that when Stef & I will be in L.A this July, they are going to take us out, accompany us to LES DEUX even if they think it sucks, go to Disney Land, basically, be our tour guides. I didn't bother mentioning that Stef lived there for months because they seemed way to exited about it. I was promised surfing & drumming lessons. I was jazzed about going to California but now, I can barely sit still!!! (even though I have too HAHA)

COUNTDOWN: 2 months and a week til I land in L.A.X 

Slippery Dick

Last July, when Christina and I were in New York, we went to an "Underground Burlesque show".

I say underground because I assume that the fancy ones only have hot chicks. We did NOT!

I will have the image of a fat girl's cellulite ass & pineapple covered nipples engraved in my head for the REST OF MY LIFE!!!

Any who, there was a Brazilian guy that stripped down to a paper plate in front of his family jewels, then he covered himself up with mustard and ketchup and rubbed it all over his body. As gross as it may sound, it was pretty sexy, because of how sensually he was doing it. Before the stripping began he was doing some sort of aerobic dancing and after a couple of drinks, we tried to imitate him. Our mothers would be SO PROUD! 

Slippery Dick- Peaches

I love you, standing all alone with a black coat

I'm going back to the West Coast. May 21 to 27th.

This trip is long overdue since I haven't been back, not once, and I've been in Montreal since Christmas day 2007!

Memories started flooding back, some good, some bad, but it definitely makes me miss the good times. :)

Living in Vancouver was SO different than living in Montreal.

 No one speaks French there, that's one thing. There are 50% more asians & the city is surrounded by the sea and mountains. It's Gorgeous!

Montreal is a sweet city, it'll always be my hometown but I never felt like I really belonged here. Vancouver was beautiful, but not exactly my rhythm either. Which is why New York is my next step.

On another note, after staying in Vancouver for a couple days, my trip will lead me to Seattle, where the Lovely Naomi invited me to a Film Festival Premiere.

 

Then, if all goes according to plan, she will join Greg and I on our road trip to George, Washington , where a couple of my friends from California will drive up to as well.

The Sasquatch Festival will be 3 days/nights of drunk camping and ear drums exploding to the sound of:

Kings of leon, Gogol Bordello, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Walkmen, DEADMAU5, 

Explosion in the sky, Tv on the Radio, the Decemberists and more...

Im looking forward to this adventure and to walking again!!

Don't Mess with the Zocam!

Last night, a boy mouth raped my sister. She immediately pushed him away for many reasons (she didn't want to kiss him, she has a bf and HE has a gf). Since he is a dumb douche bag, his girlfriend found out, therefore he started blaming my sister & decided to email her boyfriend to get her in in trouble as well.  Here is the email I just sent that lil excrement :

LIFE LIST 

1-Instead of cheating on someone, you can make a conscious decision to just be single and fuck around all you want.

2-If you are going to cheat, be smart enough not to get caught a.k.a kissing your gf's friend (who doesn't want to kiss you) and IN FRONT of common friends is a big no no.

3-When you DO get caught, admit to your mistakes & try to work it out or accept your defeat since you brought it on yourself.

4-Don't try to manipulate everyone and make yourself the victim, it's pathetic!

5-Writing shit to the girl in question's bf just because you are in trouble with your gf is CHILDISH and only makes you look like MORE of a pussy than you already are.

6-Taking advantage of drunk girls & telling them they wanted it and trying to fuck with their minds is pretty close to the rape family, don't you think?

Wow you certainly accomplished a lot, this list must make you feel SO Proud!

You should take this opportunity to reevaluate your life and try to make more positive choices.

Buddha.

I could have been a lot harsher, but I Decided to be decent. If his answer ends up being disrespectful, which who are we kidding, will probably be, Then I will have to take out the big guns, I know people. Don't mess with the ZoCam ;) !!

Excuse me, your life is waiting!

What's up with everybody being depressive, whiney, and annoying as HELL with how much they hate their lives?!?!?! Jeez people, do you have any idea how lucky most of you are? Inform yourselves with what is going on around the world, you'll soon realize that your "problems"  are insignificant and so are you if you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!!

I use to complain a lot and see myself as a victim, I'm not gonna lie, but THANK GOD, I got over that and I have never felt BETTER.  I wish people would also understand that the key to "happiness" is to just accept things as they are, do your best, and stop trying to control things that are OUT of your control. Buddhist philosophies are a tremendous help for insane self-centered people a.k.a 99% of the population. It brought me from my old "stress ball dying of a heart attack at 25 self" to new " Chill dude, it's going to be all good. Everything happens for a reason self". I'm not saying that everyone should become buddhists. But reading their philosophies can give one the chance to learn about common sense ways of living life. Sometimes all you need is a little push.

Relax people, have a drink and do whatever it is you want to do because everything will be alright. There is nothing you CAN'T handle. It can be tough, painful and scary but acting like it's the end of the world every time there is a little bump on the road is not the right way to live and it won't get you ANYWHERE, trust me. I will be really lame and quote the author of " Excuse me, your life is waiting" Lynn Grabhorn: " We, humans, have an electrochemical currency running through us, which is affected by our emotions. When you are feeling happy or joyful, that current or energy, vibrates at a higher frequency than when you are feeling sad or angry. When you're vibrating at a high frequency, you're more likely to attract happy people, than when you vibrate at a low, sad frequency. It's the law of attraction in physics." 

Basically, when you are having a pity party, all you are doing, is attracting more people that are as depressed as you and creating negative situations in your life. Ever since I got over all that, I have allowed so many great people into my life, let all the bad ones go & opportunities have been knocking on my door non stop. I truly believe in visualization. Sometimes, I just close my eyes and picture what I want my life to be. By picturing it, I create the emotions I would feel if it was actually going on and with my feelings, I ATTRACT these situations, events, these OPPORTUNITIES. 

The way we think...
...causes the way we feel. . .
...and the way we feel. . .
...causes the way we vibrate
...and the way we vibrate. . .
...IS HOW WE ATTRACT!!

You should get on that!

p.s: In 2004 Lynn Grabhorn flew to Europe to have an assisted suicide due to an illness. Don't let that stop you from reading her book though. It's a great book but she was sick and thought that her job here was done. It doesn't mean that she didn't know what she was talking about.

Where is Walmelia?

I've got the itch. As soon as I'm back home for about a month, I have to plan my next trip. I have quite a few in store for the next 5 months. Being in bed for now 2 whole weeks doesn't help the need to get THE FUCK OUT!

Budget Camelia, BUDGET!!!

Here is my list of places I will go to before the end of the summer:

• Approx from May 22 to May 26 Depending on my flying partner, go from Montreal or Toronto to Vancouver and road trip to Washington for the Sasquatch Festival
• End of June quick trip to New York to visit apartments & hang with the future roomies (Veronica & Gabby)
• July 1st to July 14th L.A trip with Stefanie Rosales. We have been planning this for over 4 years.
  
• August or September, moving to New York city. (Again, this is 80% sure)
  

 This is not a DEFINITE plan but it's going to look something like that. 

I seriously think God purposely got me injured because I just move around too much and he knows the only way to keep me in place is to blow out my knee for me not to walk anymore.

Is it because its wrong & bad & we shouldn't?

This clip, LITERALLY hurt me.

Why? You may ask.

Because of how badly I want this. 

The sexual tension. 

Knowing that it probably should not happen,

But wanting it with every inch of your body.

My Fantasy, what I am currently Craving!

I want a man to just TAKE me. 

No, correction, I NEED a man to take me like this.

In the heat of the moment.

Oh sweet Jesus!!!

(It'll have to wait til my leg is all better unfortunately ... Dammit)

Rocky Balboa

Tomorrow in the early afternoon, a nurse will come to my house to take the staples out of my leg. When the receptionist at the CLSC called to make the appointment, I was told she would try to convince me to go to the CLSC instead of having a nurse come "all the way" to my house. She in fact did by saying: well, it will be 10 days on monday since your surgery which means you probably can travel pretty well on crutches. Why don't you come to the CLSC?

 I am still proud of my response:" Miss, the only place I travel to with my crutches is from my bed, to the bathroom." ;) Yes, I do think I'm cool, but that's only because... I am.

 

For the past 10 days, I have been lying in bed trying to sleep but barely doing so for my pain killers are not GUILTY! Oh nooooooo, they ain't killing no pain. What's the big deal with people and oxycodon?? It's 10 steps down from having morphine injected in your arms. Aw, sweet apothecary, I miss the way it feels when you fill up my veins with your sweet morphine nectar of love that gets rid of all the pain and hurt in the world. You took me by the hand, injected my serum into the I.V and suddenly I was floating on clouds as peaceful & enlightened as Buddha. Oxycodon only feels like my head is underwater (which is pretty cool), but then I can't handle at any bright lights. I hate the fact that I can't just refill my pills. Im almost out but usually Doctors are not allowed to prescribe Oxycodon twice since too many people get addicted or sell it to addicts. There is no way in HELL I'll get addicted to that shit, AND I want something WAY stronger  that will actually help decrease the:burning, pulling, stitch ripping and bone stabbing the inside of my ankle sensations. hahaha 

FUCK BUREAUCRACY!!!

Tomorrow is the last Injection of Lovenox (anti-coagulant) in the stomach day. Wonder what song I'll listen to this time. So far, it's been: Eye of the tiger, Final countdown and the Rocky Balboa jogging and practicing for his fights song. Yes, when its time for me to shove the syringe  in my stomach, my trick not to puss out is to put on songs that are suppose to inspire people such as Rocky to push their own limits and reach their goals. In my case, I despise needles and having to inject myself never even CROSSED my mind. It's actually the #1 reason why I never considered trying Heroin. #2 is becoming a crazy addict and ruining my life.

Since I knew there was no way out of this one, I just had to be Rocky.

My little cocktail. I have to take it every 4 hours

Unused Syringe

Used syringe

Some of the bruises I got from the injections

I feel like...Jason Street

Pre-Op pic
(trick to make sure they wont operate on the wrong knee in my case)

I was in the hospital from March 12th 6:30 am to March 13th 8 pm. 

I was suppose to stay another night but I begged to leave, I couldn't take it anymore. Sharing a room with a 76 year old half senile woman with Alzheimer  was funny at times but I mostly was just losing my shit.

It might be difficult to be coherent & even finish this blog from all the drugs I have taken today. They make me really drowsy but I NEED them to survive!!! 

In my last blog, I wrote that my surgery was going to take 90 minutes. 

FALSE!

As I was on my way to the operation room, they told me that it was a 3 hour surgery and that they were going to keep me for a few days. I went into a panic. Why did everyone tell me different informations, I thought I was going to leave a few hours after surgery??? How was I suppose to tell my parents now that I would be HOSPITALIZED?? WHO WOULD REACH THEM FOR ME!!!??

Since it was a longer surgery, it meant that the amount of pain I was going to be in after I woke up, would be a lot greater than expected. Therefore, before putting me to sleep, I was injected REALLY close to my crotch on my “hip” to relax my leg(half of my woo woo was uncovered and all the people present in the room were hot men in their late 20s, I didn’t know what to do with myself.) Then, they did what they call a “Bloc”. First, they use an ultrasound scan on the inside of my thigh, where they showed me my muscles etc and THEN, they shoved a really thick, hollow and long needle (thats what she said) 9 cm deep in my thigh. Let me just say, that shot they gave me in the hip right before is probably the only thing that stopped me from ripping out that needle and stab one of the anesthetists  in the eye! Every time they pushed it burned and burned more. I was getting STABBED in the leg. There’s no other way to put it. The whole point behind that, was to put a wire through that big ass needle 9 cm deep inside of me (in other circumstances it would NOT  be a bad thing ;) ) , plug it to an I.V and the liquid would freeze my leg, so I wouldn’t feel as much pain while I was at the hospital. There was one more step to go through before going inside the operation room.

One of the guys there: Wine? Martini?

Me: Double Scotch on the Rocks please.

That’s what they were calling the injections they were going to give me since I was a little nervous. A really high dosage of some kind of drug. I loved it. I ended up also having a “tequila shot”. 5 seconds later, I was floating on a cloud and hitting on my anesthetist with my eyes, he was flirting back, is that professional? Don’t think so but DON’T MIND. (Him: Don’t worry, I’ll be in the next room with you, I’ll make sure you are fine. Then winking at me) Nice! :P

When we got to the operation room, I didn’t even have time to see my Foxy Surgeon because I was injected right away to fall asleep. I don’t remember how it happened, but my arms were tied up like Jesus and then I woke up in the “salle de reveille” where my “DILF” surgeon was caressing my hair saying my name. He said it went really well and that we would see each other soon. I think I may have passed out mid- sentence.  A really cute mother type nurse gave me at least 3 morphine injections before rolling me down to my room.

The woman I shared the room with kept on talking to herself and taking the phone to call her house to speak to her husband who died years ago. It was a little sad. I hope to never get to that point. It’s so weird because one minute she would be COMPLETELY senile and the next give me advice on life and it would totally make sense.

For the next 30 hours, I was lying on this hospital bed, plugged to an I.V on my hand and my hip, with a nurse checking my pulse, oxygen & blood pressure every hour. I again had to pee in a bowl they would put under my bum. You have no dignity left after you leave a hospital. I'm just glad I was able to wipe myself and i didn't have to take a dump. But a LOT of people saw my butt there. It's better than an old butt I'm sure haha. It’s not a myth, hospital food IS  that gross. It’s probably the reason why, as I was cleaning my self up (bowl of soapy water with a cloth style), I vomited. :/

When it was about time for me to leave, one of my many nurses told me that she had to teach me how to shot myself in the stomach first. Yes I do mean injecting by shooting, it just doesn’t have the same impact. Since a tendon was implanted in my knee to act as a PCL, it could create blood clot. The injections thin out my blood. I have done it 4 times so far. For the people who know me really well, yes it is one of the worse things anyone could ask me to do but I knew that this time, there was no place for fear (haha).

I have a little over a week of stomach injections to do. If anyone is interested to come and see. I do it everyday at 2 pm.

I took out my bandages on sunday & was frightened with what I saw. I just thought I’d share my experience with y’all.

As you can see, there are only 4 ligaments holding your knee together I have 3 out of 4 that are torn. Luckily my MCL will heal on his own. Now we just fixed my PCL which will take at least 6 months to be at it's best & then depending on me & my Doctor, I might get another surgery to fix my ACL.

(You can click on the pics to make them Bigger)

there are more stitches but to the side.

Now look at my Pre-Op pic again. How tiny and pretty my left knee use to be :(
The Yellow is just a product to disinfect my wounds

Now, LA PIECE DE RESISTANCE

One day away...

Tomorrow I will get to the hospital at 6:30 am. I don't know exactly what I will have to do before I get in the operation room, but surgery should start by 9 am. My surgeon will implant the Post cruciate Ligament (PCL) of a deceased person into my left knee for mine is torn and prevents me from: running, dancing, jumping and EVER SURFING (which has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember).

The operation lasts about an hour and a half, therefore I will be going under general anesthesia 

state of total unconsciousness resulting from general anaesthetic drugs. A variety of drugs are given to the patient that have different effects with the overall aim of ensuring unconsciousness, amnesia and analgesia.

After the operation I will probably stay in the recovery room for a few hours as the drugs wear off and I slowly regain consciousness. I will be given morphine for the pain and let's just say, I'm a little TOO excited to be on it since I still remember the last time they gave me some. BEST minutes OF MY LIFE (no wonder some Doctors get addicted to it)

Tonight, after midnight, I am not allowed to eat or drink ANY water. That is going to be SOOO HARD (that's what she said!)

I always wake up in the middle of the night completely parched. It's to prevent patients from feeling nauseous and vomiting. 

I might still have a couple sips of water, I don't give a shit if they have to deal with me barfing. Happened last time, I survived!

I hereby dedicate this song to lil old ME 

GIRLS ON CRUTCHES

Kid Cudi

I could listen to this song on repeat for weeks. 

It just keeps getting better.... and SEXIER ;)

Day N motha fuckin Night

Old blog I wrote over a year ago

Before I write my next blog, I thought I should put y'all in context. I found an old xanga blog I wrote in november 2007 and will post it for my next entry to make more sense.

    Wednesday, November   07, 2007

•   Honey, be careful!

  The cross streets Pender and Abbott will be remembered  by me & a few for a really really long time.
  Most Humans are programmed to think that tragic things wont never happen to them. 
  Let me tell you one thing, Mami, Naomi and I sure didn't think that crossing the street on a green light would get us all simultaneously hit by an SUV. I will write what happened in more details later but  I think im going to nap now. too much effort
     [Now December 9th, a month later]
  So basically we all got hit and went flying in different directions on the street. I thought Mami was dead or dying,  I couldnt get up, was twitching and heard naomi crying. then the bitch that hit us started yelling at me for jaywalking when I didnt and i remember the cops coming and the ambulances. I also was able with some superhero strenght to call Kent and let him know we got hit. I told the paramedic I didnt want to go in the ambulance because I couldnt afford it and the first thing I said when they put me on the strecher was: oh god I sure wish I would have shaved my legs. ahahhahahah yup. for some reason my sens of humor came out when I was in shock. When we got to the hospital and the police officer came in to see how I was I answered; just chilling, you? As I was on a hospital bed w a neckbrace and plugged to an IV. Jeez Im such a comedian! :P
  
  We stayed in the hospital for about 12 hours. I had to pee 4 times on a lil bowl the nurse had to place under my ass as I was lying down.... it SUCKED and  was COMPLICATED! Also having a concussion sucked cuz it made me pull an exorcist (barf) infront of kent and I probably looked and sounded horrible!!!!!
  
  Mami and I are going to need a surgery because we tore our ACL(doesnt heal ever) and MCL ligaments around our left knee. I can't sleep at night from the pain and I have physical anxiety which is not cool but at least I scored some valium!  Im broke as fuck and I cant wait to get back home cuz I aint doing shit here. This trip turned out a little different than what I imagined but ; what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger right?  I shall be harder faster better stronger then!
  
  To all you folks out there, be strong. Things work out.
   & now goodnight and Goodluck

  
  

  
  

  
  

  (about 9 months later I found out I also had a torn PCL, click on this link and read what they say about MCL, PCL AND ACL injuries)  It just hurts so much to see the words; stretched & twisted  

Tropical Dream

Tropical Dream

Peach Snapps

Vodka

Orange juice

Cranberry juice

7up

If drank repeatedly, can end up turning into:

"I'm Never drinking again!" were the first words I said this morning. I, again, got to the point of falling asleep everywhere because of how drunk I got last night. I went to Bifteck, Miami & Korova. Whenever I got to the next bar, it was as if I forgot I drank at the previous one and would drink enough for ten. On the cab ride, I tried to carefully vomit out the window. When I got out, the cab driver came out of the car and made me clean the window. As I was falling over, I tried my best to clean it with a napkin. My friend finally asked the man to let me go because he would pay for his car wash. I think I did a pretty good job anyway :P.

As I stumbled in my friend's apartment I ended up passing out on the floor with my face in a bowl in case I would need a vomit receptacle. (No idea how I am so responsible when I'm unconscious).

I NEED TO PUT AN END TO THIS BINGE DRINKING!

Best song of the night Lykke Li- Little bit

I have watched The Jonas Brothers the experience 3D 

twice now. I have probably never been so infatuated with someone I have never met. Joe Jonas, oh you! It's completely ridiculous. Since its 3D, it really feels like he is in front of you, shaking his beautiful ass and looking into your eyes. PUDDLEEEEEEE!!!! I was screaming and ripping off Stef's arm and my sister's when I went with her on my second time. How wrong is it to imagine oneself with two brothers, doing things married people do?? Yes Joe(19) and Nick Jonas(16) ..... I'm going to bed ;)

Reminiscing

Now that I have been back for 2 days and I am finally taking a break (not necessarily by choice, I have what seems to be a cold/the flu/a migraine/maybe anemia) I realized that the best part of my trip wasn't getting into all those fancy nightclubs for free & going to all these events, but it's all the friends that I have made there. The people that I miss now & that are reaching me asking me to go back. When you are in NY it's easy to get lost in the nightlife. There is always something happening. I, was out every SINGLE night & got home at 3;30 the earliest.(prob why Im so sick now). But what I remember the most is the conversations I had with people. I was alone with boys for the first 8 days out of 10. I was so glad to make girl friends last friday. 2 girls from Austin Texas(Krupa & Veronica) and Gabby from New York. On my last night, 3 hours before I had to take the bus, Veronica, Gabby and I went to Haru Restaurant in Time Square to be able to have a nice girl talk without me having to rush to catch my bus since it was only a few blocks away at Port Authority.

I really love these girls. Veronica is moving from Austin in July & asked me to consider being her roommate. OH, I'm considering ALRIGHT!

(Veronica left and Gabby at my right)

Queens is really not so bad, I thought I'd get mugged since some people had told me the most dangerous parts of New York were :The Bronx, Harlem & Queens. Except, in Astoria Queens, it's pretty chill. There is a Greek street, a Brazilian street, an Italian street and guess what, a MOROCCAN street. Aw, I felt so at home!!! 

Anyway here are a few things I'm missing already:

Drinking Mimosas in the morning

The Dinner boxes from the amazing Japanese resto in Queens for 15$

My crazy adventures in those shoes

As for the people I miss, you know who you are. Especially if you bother to read my blog.

I'm not going into details as to what I did in New York, to respect my friends' privacy but also cuz I just don't think it's a good Idea ;)

One thing I will miss for sure is February 21st, saturday night.

 I was at a bar, fixing my nylons, about to leave, when suddenly, someone bumped into me from the back ;) 

As I was about to fall, someone grabs me by the waist and gently says:

"Sorry Darling."

When I say gently, yes I do also mean with a british accent.

So I turned around, to see none other than

 

Ed Westwick a.k.a Chuck Bass.

Now, I've always wanted to be an actress but pretending on the spot, that you don't know someone that you obviously know and drool over every week can be hard for some people. Fortunately for me, I pulled it off with a simple: "No problem, I'm alright."

Oh the sins I have contemplated in my head...